3 Ways to Stop Yourself from Being Passive-Aggressive

3 Ways to Stop Yourself from Being Passive-Aggressive

Passive aggressiveness is an attempt to regain power and relieve the tension created by that gap between anger and silence.

To reduce the challenge, it helps to have an established method for being direct about someone else’s poor behavior.

What I realized is that no matter what I do in a situation like that, I
will end up feeling at least a little uncomfortable. That’s because,
when we’re dealing with someone who is being selfish or inconsiderate,
we need to be willing to assert our interests at least as strongly as
they are willing to assert theirs. We need to be polite but also stand
our ground. And that feels uncomfortable.

Here are three steps that might help:

1. Ask a question. Is there a particular reason you are holding this space for your workout while you’re on the treadmill?
   The key is to really be curious (otherwise the question itself may be a
   passive aggressive move). Your curiosity might be the only move you
   need to make. If you hear a legitimate reason behind a person’s
   offensive behavior, your anger may simply dissipate. And, if they have
   no reason, they may simply shift their own behavior. If neither of those
   happen, then:
2. Share your perspective while acknowledging theirs. I
   understand why you want to hold this space for after your treadmill,
   but it’s frustrating to work out squeezed between two posts while the
   larger space sits idle.
3. Make a firm request supported by logic. Since we all share this small gym, please don’t hold space that you aren’t using. Saying
   it this way (“Since . . . Please . . .”) imbues you with a certain
   amount of authority. It’s somewhere between a request and a demand. You
   are setting a standard for how people should act and increasing the
   likelihood that the person will comply.

Avoiding the slide into passive aggressiveness requires closing the
gap between our anger and our silence — either by dissipating our anger
or breaking our silence.


Breaking the silence isn’t easy, doesn’t feel comfortable, and risks
open conflict. But standing up for yourself is important and, in the
end, open conflict is preferable to underground discord.